At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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