What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
