Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
