the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
