yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
