she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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