I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
