Acid is not a monday night drug
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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