why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
