i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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