I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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