I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
