omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
