its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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