sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
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I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
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"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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