When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
