We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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