my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
