Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
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