Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
