i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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