Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
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I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
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This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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