rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
