i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
