and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
