I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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