I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
