Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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