I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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