Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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