I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
