Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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