I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
