which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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