if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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