I looked at my own cervix.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
