Your dad touched me again.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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