SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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