Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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