I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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