She is in my trunk
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
