I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
