And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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