I got chris browned last night
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
