if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
