You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
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