Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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