Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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