so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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