Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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