That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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