i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
