it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
