Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
