you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
