I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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