Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
