Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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