If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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