So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize